Writing as Passion

There are people who are born to be naturally good at writing. They write and the chain of their thought is unbreakable even if you sit next to them and tell them how was your day went. They create very wonderful work in which you'd like to question your ability specially when you read the final product of what they've written. When I was ask to write about the history of my small town, I doubted my ability and capacity to finish the featured project. I hesitated it many times but because I was entrusted to do the job, I have to encourage myself that I can do it.

I was then in my senior years in high school when my adviser asked me to write an article about my small. How did it get its name. Who were the first inhabitants and so on. My first cue was to do the research or conduct an interview to old people who can provide me such information. I have no idea how to start it really and that I started cramming because I was only given a week to write that article I whined a lot specially that I never did write an article which is going to be publish in our school paper. I am a graduating student and one of the top notchers but I was never proud of my writing skills. I do write but that's only for my diary entry. It wasn't serious subject and it won't get publish.

Back to my school homework, I was able to make it before the deadline. It happens that my faternal grandfather's sister-in-law was born before World War 2 that she gave me all the information I needed to complete that project. I was amazed by how she described things and how this small town of ours develop and built. She was really a smart old lady. She was one of the smartest people I've ever met. When I finally submitted my last piece,  I was curios if it will be publish or not. I never thought from that day on that I will develop the passion to becoming a better writer. I am still an apprentice that what I need is a really writer.

Winning Him Back Isn't an Option

Many times and I feel so tired. I was so tired of understanding the people I love. Most of the times, I wanted to stop loving. I wanted to stop my heart from beating. I wanted to stop myself from breathing. I wanted to run away from all the problems. Away from the people I’ve loved and the people who hurt me. Away from the people who once cared for me, the people who once shared their dreams with me.

Then, I was in a sudden deep, deep, sleep and I started fallen out of love to him. It was a decision I kept on reconsidering. A decision I would know that will definitely break our both hearts. The decision, which will make us apart forever. A decision I made alone. Then at that very moment, I decided to leave him. I did not give him time to ask me why and what happened. I just leave for my own desire. My desire to be free.

The plan is to find myself. To search for the happiness I once loss. The happiness that I did not have when with him. To comfort myself from the guilt I have now, I needed to leave for my family's sake. However, I wanted to tell him I wanted to leave because I do not think I am still the woman who loved you. The woman who is life moves around you. Instead, I kept myself from letting him know what I felt for that moment.

It has been days, weeks, months, and years passed and I thought I already moved on. Nevertheless, the image of him did not stop appearing in my dreams. A simple that I never know will change my life again. A dream that will slowly bring me back to my past. The dream that made me wakes up in the midst of the night. The dream that made me cries and calls for his name again. The dream that made me long to see him and be with his arms again.

The thought of leaving him is the best idea but it was a thought, which made me, realized how much I had cared, loved, and now missed him. The tears kept on falling. My heart keeps on beating and longing for his love, while I slowly loss my hope from winning him back again. It was a mistake when I left. It was mistake to decide for two without asking for his opinion. I thought I was strong to stand for the decision I made but when I have known that he is with someone else, I started to feel I still love him. I still want him to be with me.

Yet things had change. I can no longer win his love, trust, after what I have done. He is now with someone who deserves his love, his attention, and his being. I was with him when he is at his best and that someone is he when he is at his worse. I let another year pass until I decided to face m strong fear. I knew it is too late. Therefore, I have to continue the journey alone.

Then one day, while my friend and I were doing window-shopping at the mall, I accidentally friend bump into someone's shoulder. To my surprise, it was him. I was speechless, shocked and my heart start pounding. My eyes started to feel watery as we stand there staring at each other. I run fast so I could avoid him. I ran fast away from him because the heartaches are starting to remind me of my stupid and selfish decision three years ago.

He was there following me. He is running after me. Then, I decided to stop avoiding him. It is the right time to face him, to talk to him. After all, it has been three years and I believe he had forgotten me. There, He reach out for my hands and asked me to spare few moments with him. I accepted his proposal, later we ended sitting in one of the KFC stool. I cannot look up and meet his eyes. However, I wish I could stare at him straight from the eyes and to see how much he had change.

He looked different from the one I had loved. That was three years ago. He cleared his throat, I am still nervous. I am not prepared to answer any of his possible questions. Then my fear began when he started asking, “What happened to our plans and promises?” Where did I go wrong? Why did you leave me hanging? As I tried to clear my throat and tried my best to meet his eyes, I saw his hidden anger, his sadness— then I started to get chill with the idea of him hurting me.

I tried to explain but the answers were not there yet. I was unprepared of this meeting. I said, instead, I left for I know you are not ready yet, or rather say we are not ready yet. To commit ourselves to a lifetime commitment. I have tried waiting, I did wait for you to follow, but indeed, you had rather spent your time hanging with someone.

That thought, you gave me reason to move and sacrifice my own happiness. You gave me reason to decide and choose to be apart from you than to see you ruining my life slowly. I left for I know it was the best way to let you go, but sad to say, it is actually the hardest thing to do. I left because I thought we both need space. Nevertheless, today, I wanted to tell you, I wish you would take me back again. I know that is impossible to happen.

 Instead, I want to let you know, I did not have any regrets of meeting you, yet, I must say, I almost wasted my time waiting in vain. Do not blame me of leaving you for I never stop myself from loving you, but since we have different lives now, it is my time to say goodbye. I must thank you for helping me realize the truth- we are not meant to be together again. I wish after this incident, we could still be friends.

I must also say, "You are the best memory I had”. A memory, which I might treasure or might forget sometime in the future. Goodbye to you my dearest friend. When I finally voiced out all what I wanted to tell him, I walked out of the place. I decided to leave everything behind us- everything that happened in the past will no longer bother me for I know I have said what I needed to say.

I will continue to move forward and start a new life without him. A life I know I want without expecting someone to be there always. It's always fun to recall the memory- for whatever we had before will always be in the memory of our past.